Friday, June 22, 2007 The Fear of Happiness My 24yr old brother was over on father's day. He's recently moved to the city, he is working for our other brother and he has met a girl that is so amazing, he dares to say she might be "the one". He told me that his life is so good right now that he is scared of what's around the corner. This is despite the fact that he flipped his car (totalling it, he was fine) 7 weeks ago and has to ride a bike everywhere. That girl must really be something. I've got a girl in my life that makes me feel the same way. For once in my life I do not covet what others have. I am not promising myself that I'll be happy when ....(insert thing I am coveting). I do not want anyone else's life. I want mine, I love mine, I am so happy.... and it scares the shit out of me. When I look at Olivia, I cannot believe she is real. Did we really do IVF? Was I actually pregnant for 9 months? Did I really deliver the most perfect creature I have ever seen? Is this beauty sleeping on my chest really my girl? I've dreamed of this baby since I was a baby myself. To have her here in my arms is truly a dream come true. A dream I never want to wake up from. I couldn't have asked for anything more than I have. When life is kicking me in the ass, it sucks, but I feel in control. I know what the problem is and I deal with it. When things are good, I'm scared. I can't control happiness, I can't make it stay. All I can do is enjoy it and pray that when the other shoe drops, it doesn't drop very far. So that is what I do. I enjoy every damn moment of perfection...even the witching hour...even poops that go all the way up the back...even throw-up in my hair, but especially baby coos, especially the way I can calm her down better than anybody else, especially the smell of the top of her head and especially this... baby smiles are the sweetest thing in the entire world. I may fear happiness, but I will enjoy it none the less. posted by Just another Jenny @ 3:15 PM   16 Comments: At 3:42 PM,  serenity said… Oh Jenny... she IS so precious, how can you NOT be happy? After dealing with so much shit for so long, I have to think it's natural to fear when the "other shoe will drop." I hope it never does.   At 5:05 PM,  Beagle said… That is the absolute most perfect picture!   At 5:19 PM,  Mary Ellen and Steve said… What a great picture.   At 7:41 PM,  Jenny said… Oh I just love those first baby smiles and laughs and coos! Chloe just started doing it about a week or two ago and I just melt everytime! What a fantastic picture--the hair is amazing!   At 2:27 AM,  Seamus said… *GRINS* in the wee hours! :)   At 10:52 AM,  Jamie said… She really is beautiful!   At 8:53 PM,  Winnifred said… what a fantastic photograph :) and your post made me cry. I fear happiness too. I hate acknowledging that life is good... bad things have happened to me on this "high" more than once... i still can't believe that photo... it's so perfect. ENJOY!!!   At 11:33 PM,  Nearlydawn said… Awwww, how absolutely cute!! That is a GREAT laugh - how wonderful. Keep living in the moment. :)   At 11:58 AM,  kirby said… This is what I love about babies. How they laugh as though you've just told them the funniest joke ever. Must have been a good joke. Looks like you really struck a nerve. So beautiful.   At 12:06 PM,  Gil said… What a beautiful photo. And what a fantastically written and heartfelt post. Sometimes reality is scary isn't it? But that doesn't make it any less happy. Carpe Diem hon. Hold that brass ring tightly, for all of us.   At 5:56 PM,  running wildly said… This was a beautiful post. Truly shows the depth of your heart for your sweet Olivia. Happy for you beyond words. Motherhood is the most powerful blessing.   At 11:11 AM,  Flygirl said… It looks like she's about to slap her knee and burst into laughter. What a wonderful photo. Here's to happiness!   At 12:52 PM,  Brandy said… Whole body baby smiles get me through the day. She's adorable!   At 9:42 AM,  JennyK said… Oh, and don't forget the baby GIGGLES. Those are pretty cool, too.   At 11:12 AM,  Heather said… I completely understand your enjoying every moment. I try really hard to do that with my own kiddo. Everyone said that eventually I would tire of holding him and loving him ALL THE TIME. I am not there yet and he is 5 months!! :-)   At 9:21 AM,  Keeping The Faith said… I absolutely LOVE this picture... such pure joy! Olivia is an absolute doll. Can you belive it...does it seem real yet? You're a Mother. :-) -Faith   Post a Comment Links to this post:   <$BlogBacklinkTitle$>   <$BlogBacklinkSnippet$> posted by <$BlogBacklinkAuthor$> @ <$BlogBacklinkDateTime$> Create a Link << Home